The Impossible Math That Doesn’t Add Up
You’re killing it at work. Your kids are fed, clothed, alive. Your house is… well, it’s functional. You’re showing up, doing the things, checking the boxes.
So why does it feel like you’re failing at everything?
You’re late to the meeting because drop-off took longer than expected. You miss bedtime because of a work deadline. You’re present with your kids but thinking about the emails piling up. You’re working but feeling guilty about not being home.
You’re drowning in the impossible math of being present for your kids AND your job—and no matter how hard you try, the equation never balances.
Everyone keeps telling you: “You can have it all!” “Just find balance!” “Other moms make it work!”
But here’s what nobody’s saying out loud: you’re not failing. The system is rigged. And it was never designed for you in the first place.
The feeling of constant failure isn’t a personal problem. It’s a predictable response to trying to succeed in systems built for people whose lives look nothing like yours.
What This Blog Is Really About
In this blog, I’m explaining why working moms feel like they’re constantly failing—and why it’s not about your competence, your effort, or your worth. It’s about systems designed for a world that doesn’t exist anymore, expectations that are impossible to meet, and a culture that blames you for struggling under the weight of it all.
This isn’t about working harder or finding better strategies. This is about understanding why the game is rigged—so you can stop blaming yourself for not winning an unwinnable game.
1: The Systems Were Never Built for You
Let’s start with some uncomfortable truth: most of the systems you’re trying to succeed in were designed by men, for men, with the assumption that someone else was handling everything at home.
Productivity Culture Is Built on a Male Model
Here’s a fact that should make you angry: 93% of productivity advice is written by men (Adachi, 2024).
Men with 24-hour hormone cycles. Not 30-day ones.
Men whose bodies aren’t nursing, pregnant, or recovering from childbirth.
Men who don’t experience the cognitive and physical changes that come with fluctuating estrogen and progesterone throughout the month.
And yet, this is the advice you’re supposed to follow.
The morning routines. The productivity hacks. The time-blocking strategies. All built on a model that assumes your body and brain work the same way every single day.
They don’t. And that’s not a failure—that’s biology.
When you can’t maintain the same level of energy and focus every day of your cycle, you’re not failing. The system that expects you to is failing you.
Workplaces Still Assume You Have a Wife at Home
The 40-hour work week (or let’s be real—the 50+ hour reality) was designed with the assumption that someone else was managing the home, the kids, the mental load.
Historically, that someone was a wife.
But you don’t have a wife. You ARE the wife—except you’re also the employee trying to meet the same expectations as people who have someone else handling everything at home.
You’re expected to perform like you have no caregiving responsibilities while also being present for your kids like you have no job.
It’s not balance. It’s impossible.
You’re Carrying 35% More of the Load
Even in households where both parents work, moms carry significantly more of the caregiving and education load—35% more, according to research (Cleo, 2020).
You’re not just working and parenting. You’re:
- Tracking everyone’s schedules
- Managing the mental load (who needs what, when, and how)
- Doing the emotional labor (checking in, following up, regulating everyone’s feelings)
- Being the “default parent” (the one everyone comes to first)
And then you wonder why you’re so tired.
You’re doing the work of two full-time jobs—and being told it’s a personal failing when you can’t keep up.
2: The Expectations Are Designed to Make You Fail
Even if the systems were fair (they’re not), the expectations placed on working moms are impossible to meet.
You’re Expected to Be Two People at Once
At work, you’re supposed to be fully present, ambitious, available, committed—as if you have no other responsibilities.
At home, you’re supposed to be patient, present, creative, nurturing—as if you didn’t just spend eight hours in back-to-back meetings.
You’re expected to be 100% in both places at the same time. And when you can’t, you’re told you’re not trying hard enough.
But here’s the truth: it’s not about effort. It’s about physics. You can’t be in two places at once. You can’t give 100% to two full-time jobs simultaneously.
The expectation is impossible. The failure is built in.
You’re Supposed to “Cherish Every Moment”
While you’re juggling impossible demands, you’re also supposed to be grateful for it all.
“They’re only little once.” “You’ll miss this when they’re older.” “You’re so lucky to have a job you love and healthy kids.”
You ARE grateful. You DO love your kids and your work.
But gratitude and exhaustion aren’t opposites. You can be grateful for your life and also drowning in the demands of it.
The pressure to perform gratitude on top of everything else just adds guilt to the exhaustion.
When you’re hiding in the bathroom crying, you’re not ungrateful. You’re human.
You’re Told to “Just Ask for Help” (But There’s No Help to Ask For)
“Why don’t you just ask for help?”
From who? Your partner who’s also maxed out? Your parents who live across the country? Your friends who are in the same boat?
You’re living in an isolation epidemic. Western society has dismantled the community structures that used to support families—extended family nearby, neighborhood networks, village-style childcare.
And now you’re supposed to raise kids and work full-time with a fraction of the support previous generations had—while being told it’s a personal failing when you struggle.
87% of women say having a space of their own would boost their mental health, but only 23% actually have it (University of Michigan, 2020).
You’re isolated, unsupported, and drowning—and then blamed for not having it together.
3: The Culture Convinces You It’s Your Fault
Here’s where it gets insidious: when the systems fail you, the culture tells you it’s a personal problem.
“Other Moms Make It Work”
Do they though?
What you see: Instagram posts of perfectly styled kids, clean homes, work wins, family adventures.
What you don’t see: the meltdowns, the mess, the hours of screen time, the take-out for dinner, the mental breakdowns in the bathroom.
Everyone is performing. Everyone is struggling. And social media makes you think you’re the only one.
The average person spends 4.8 hours a day on their phone (Statista). And that comparison trap spikes anxiety by 20% (Journal of Affective Disorders, 2022).
You’re not failing more than other moms. You’re just seeing everyone else’s highlight reel while living in your behind-the-scenes chaos.
“You Just Need Better Systems”
Buy the planner. Use the app. Optimize your schedule. Meal prep. Create routines. Time block. Set boundaries.
You’ve tried all of it. And you’re still drowning.
Because the problem isn’t your system. The problem is that no system can solve the impossible math of being expected to be two people at once.
When smart, capable moms think they’re failing, it’s not about competence. It’s about impossible expectations.
“Self-Care Will Fix It”
Take a bubble bath. Practice gratitude. Do yoga. Journal. Meditate.
Self-care is important (really). But when self-care becomes another thing on your to-do list—another place to perform and fail—it’s not helping anymore.
You don’t need more things to do perfectly. You need the systems around you to stop demanding the impossible.
4: What “Failure” Actually Tells You
When you feel like you’re failing, it’s not evidence that you’re inadequate. It’s evidence that what you’re being asked to do is too much for any one person.
Failure Means the Load Is Too Heavy
If you were trying to carry 200 pounds up a mountain and you couldn’t do it, would that mean you’re weak?
Or would it mean 200 pounds is too heavy for one person to carry?
The feeling of failure is your body and brain telling you: this is too much.
Not “you’re not good enough.” Not “you need to try harder.”
Just: this is too much for any human to sustain.
Failure Means You’re Human, Not Superhuman
You’re not a productivity machine. You’re not a robot who can run on fumes indefinitely. You’re not invincible.
You’re a human being with limits—and those limits are reasonable.
Needing sleep, rest, support, and margin in your life isn’t a weakness. It’s biology.
When you can’t do it all, it’s not because you’re failing. It’s because “doing it all” was never possible in the first place.
Failure Is Often Feedback About What Needs to Change
Sometimes the feeling of failure is pointing to something that actually needs to change:
- A job that’s asking too much
- A partnership that’s not equitable
- A lack of support that needs to be addressed
- Expectations (yours or others’) that need to be adjusted
The solution isn’t always “work harder” or “be better.” Sometimes it’s “this situation is unsustainable and needs to change.”
If you’re wondering if this is burnout, here’s what’s actually happening in your brain →
5: What You Can Actually Do (When You Can’t Change Everything)
You can’t fix the systems overnight. You can’t solve the isolation epidemic by yourself. You can’t redistribute the mental load of working motherhood across society.
But here’s what you can do:
Stop Blaming Yourself
The first step is recognizing: this isn’t about you.
You’re not failing because you’re inadequate, lazy, or not trying hard enough.
You’re struggling because you’re trying to succeed in systems that were never designed for working moms—and then being blamed when those systems fail you.
When you feel like you’re failing, pause. Ask yourself:
- Is this actually a personal failure, or is this an impossible expectation?
- Am I failing, or is the system failing me?
- Would I judge another mom this harshly for struggling with what I’m struggling with?
The answer is usually: the system is broken, not you.
Validate Your Reality
You’re not making it up. This IS hard. The demands ARE impossible. The expectations ARE unreasonable.
You’re allowed to say it’s hard without someone jumping in with “but you’re so lucky.”
Both things are true: you’re grateful for your life, and you’re drowning in the demands of it.
You don’t need to gaslight yourself into positivity. You need to honor the truth of what you’re experiencing.
Replace Toxic Comparison with Truth
The next time you’re scrolling and feeling like everyone else has it together:
Close the app. Take a breath. Remind yourself: everyone is performing. Nobody has it all figured out.
Replace the scroll with something that validates your reality instead of making you feel inadequate.
Learn how to actually set boundaries with your phone without feeling like you’re missing out →
Read words from someone who’s been in the thick of it. Look at art that reminds you you’re more than your performance. Connect with real people who get it.
This is what tech-free mindfulness offers: recovery without comparison, validation without performing, rest without the mental load.
Discover what self-care actually looks like when you have no time →
Make Space for Who You Are, Not Just What You Do
You’re not just Mom and Employee. You’re a whole person with interests, creativity, needs, and worth that exist outside of your productivity and your caregiving.
Make tiny pockets of space to remember who you are:
- Read something that speaks to YOU, not your role
- Look at art that reminds you of who you’re becoming
- Write about your day in a way that helps you process (not perform)
- Take 30 seconds to notice your breath, the ground beneath you, what your body feels like
You don’t have to overhaul your life. You just have to create small moments where you get to be a person again, not just a function.
Ask for What You Need (Even If It Feels Impossible)
TBH, I’m not here to help you get stuff done, and asking for what you need definitely takes a lot of bravery.
I absolutely believe you need to have conversations with your partner, boss, doctor, friends about what you’re needing. If they’re healthy relationships, they’ll want to know what’s going on with you and how to support you.
But these conversations take SO MUCH energy. And you’re here because there’s very little energy left.
So if you feel like you need to take action on practical things like laundry or tasks or get up the energy and bravery to have hard conversations with your support people (or find them… looking at you isolation epidemic), I have some great resources…
If you are Low-Hope and feel like you are absolutely drowning, I recommend you turn to KC Davis and her book How to Keep House While Drowning. Davis is a mental health professional who had a baby at the beginning of COVID with a toddler running around. She’s written a great book with the mentally divergent in mind.
If you are High-Hope and feel like just some shifts in your pathways will do, I recommend Kendra Adachi’s Lazy Genius principals. I only recommend going this way if you feel comfortable saying, “No thank you,” to what wouldn’t work for you and not overwhelmed by it.
If you don’t know if you’re Low-Hope or High-Hope or somewhere in between. I have a two minute quiz that will offer you with a tailored personal assessment: The Working Mom’s Hope Score Assessment. It’s free and takes two minutes. Get it here →
You’re Not Failing—The System Is
You feel like you’re failing at everything because you’re trying to succeed in systems that were never built for working moms.
The productivity advice is based on male biology. The workplace assumes you have a wife at home. The culture blames you for struggling under impossible demands.
And then social media shows you everyone else’s highlight reel while you’re living in your behind-the-scenes chaos—making you think you’re the only one who can’t figure it out.
But here’s the truth: you’re not failing. The game is rigged.
When smart, capable, strong moms feel like they’re constantly falling short, it’s not about competence. It’s about impossible expectations.
The systems are broken. The expectations are unreasonable. The support is inadequate. And the culture gaslights you into thinking it’s a personal problem.
It’s not. It never was.
You’re doing a remarkable job navigating an impossible situation. You’re showing up every day even when you feel like you’re drowning. You’re carrying weight that would break most people—and you’re still here.
That’s not failure. That’s extraordinary.
You deserve to feel like yourself again. You deserve rest that actually works. You deserve to stop blaming yourself for not winning an unwinnable game.
Start By Planting Your Feet in Truth
Step 1: Find out where you actually stand
Stop guessing about how you’re really doing. Get clarity on your mental wellbeing right now—not where it feels like in the fog of overwhelm.
Take the Working Mom’s Hope Score Assessment™—a free, research-backed tool that gives you your “YOU ARE HERE” arrow in the chaos.
It takes 6 questions and 2 minutes. You’ll get personalized results that help you see: you’re doing better than you think, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Take the Free Hope Assessment →
Step 2: Replace comparison with validation
Ready to stop giving your rest time to social media that makes you feel like you’re failing?
Grab Poems of a Burned Out Toddler Mom—small enough to keep in your pocket, designed to replace the doomscroll with real validation and lower stress hormones.
These poems say what you need to hear: this is hard, you’re not alone, and you’re doing a good job. No performing, no comparison, no algorithms deciding what you see.
Step 3: Make your space remind you who you are
If you need your office, your home, or your pump room to work for you instead of against you—check out The Burned Out Toddler Mom Art Collection.
Professional-grade prints that remind you: you’re more than your productivity, more than your performance, more than everything left undone.
Science-backed to lower stress hormones. Designed for working moms, by working moms. Ready to hang and impossible to mess up.
You’re not failing, friend. You’re navigating an impossible situation with grace, strength, and resilience.
The systems are stacked against you. The expectations are unreasonable. The support is inadequate.
And you’re still showing up. You’re still here. You’re still doing it.
That’s not failure. That’s extraordinary.
You’re doing such a good job. People are in awe of what you’re accomplishing.
The world’s a better place because you’re in it.
And I’m so glad that you’re you.
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