The Toxic Relationship You Keep Going Back To
You can’t remember the last time you felt like yourself.
You’re snapping at your kids over things that shouldn’t matter. You’re crying in your car before work. You’re staring at your to-do list and can’t figure out where to start—so you don’t start at all.
Everyone keeps telling you: “You’re just tired. All moms are tired.”
But this doesn’t feel like tired. This feels like you’re a burned-out pile of ashes trying to hold everything together with hands that won’t stop shaking.
If you feel like you’re failing at everything, read this first →
You love your kids. You’re grateful for your job. You know you “have it good” compared to so many others.
So why does it feel like you’re drowning?
Here’s what nobody’s telling you: you’re not weak, dramatic, or failing. Your brain is in survival mode, and it’s doing exactly what it’s designed to do when the demands are impossible and the rest never comes.
Burnout isn’t a personal failing. It’s what happens when your rest system gets hijacked—and the place you’re going for relief is making it worse.
What This Blog Is Really About
In this blog, I’m explaining what burnout actually is for working moms, what’s happening in your brain when you feel this way, and how to reclaim the recovery your nervous system is desperately craving—without adding one more thing to your impossible to-do list.
This isn’t about pushing through or trying harder. This is about understanding why your brain can’t keep up—and what actually helps when you’re already running on empty.
Section 1: What Burnout Actually Is (And Why Working Moms Are Especially Vulnerable)
Let’s start with the truth: burnout is real, it’s measurable, and it’s not the same as being tired.
Burnout vs. Being Tired
Being tired means you need sleep. Burnout means rest doesn’t help anymore.
You can sleep for 10 hours (if you could ever get 10 hours) and still wake up exhausted. You can take a vacation and come back feeling just as overwhelmed. You can “rest” by scrolling your phone and feel worse than before.
Burnout happens when:
- The demands on you exceed your capacity to meet them—consistently, over time
- You’re giving more than you’re receiving in rest, support, or validation
- Your body’s stress response is activated so constantly that your nervous system can’t return to baseline
For working moms, burnout isn’t just about work. It’s about the impossible math of being present for your kids AND your job, while also carrying 35% more of the caregiving and education load at home (Cleo, 2020).
You’re not burning out from one thing. You’re burning out from everything, all at once, with no break.
The Systems Stacked Against You
Here’s what makes burnout especially brutal for moms in the workforce:
Productivity culture designed for men. 93% of productivity advice is written by men—with 24-hour hormone cycles, not 30-day ones. Not for nursing bodies. Not for people carrying the mental load of everyone’s schedules, needs, and emotional regulation.
Isolation. You’re doing one of the hardest jobs in the world—raising humans while working—with less community support than any generation before you. 87% of women say having a space of their own boosts mental health, but only 23% actually have it (University of Michigan, 2020).
Tech designed to steal your attention. The place you go for a break—your phone—is engineered to keep you scrolling. Those 4.8 hours a day spent on screens spike your anxiety by 20% while blocking your brain’s actual rest system (Journal of Affective Disorders).
Systems that convince you it’s your fault. You’re told to optimize, schedule better, try harder, be more grateful. As if burnout is a personal failing instead of a predictable response to impossible demands.
You’re not failing. The game is rigged.
Section 2: What’s Happening in Your Brain When You’re Burned Out
Here’s what burnout is actually doing to your brain—and why you feel the way you do:
Your Stress Response Is Stuck “On”
Your body has a stress response system designed to protect you from danger. When a threat appears, your nervous system activates: heart rate increases, cortisol spikes, your brain focuses on survival.
This system is brilliant—when the threat is temporary. A lion chasing you. A deadline at work. A toddler running toward the street.
But when the threats never stop? When you’re constantly “on” for work, kids, home, everyone’s needs? Your stress response stays activated. Your cortisol stays elevated. Your nervous system never gets the signal that it’s safe to rest.
This is why:
- You can’t fall asleep even though you’re exhausted
- You snap at small things that shouldn’t matter
- You can’t focus or make decisions
- You feel like you’re constantly on edge
Your brain isn’t broken. It’s doing exactly what it’s designed to do—protect you from perceived threats. The problem is, the threats (demands) never stop coming.
Your Brain’s Rest System Gets Hijacked
Your brain has a rest mode—a state where your nervous system recovers, processes information, and restores itself.
You need this rest mode to function. It’s not optional. It’s how your brain heals.
But here’s the problem: scrolling your phone blocks rest mode.
When you pick up your phone for a “break,” you’re not resting. You’re:
- Consuming new information (your brain has to process)
- Getting notifications (triggering stress responses)
- Comparing yourself to others (activating inadequacy and anxiety)
- Exposing yourself to blue light (disrupting sleep hormones)
You think you’re resting, but your brain is working overtime. And then you wonder why you’re so exhausted.
Your Cognitive Load Is Maxed Out
You’re not just doing your job and raising your kids. You’re carrying the mental load:
- Who needs what for school tomorrow
- When the next dentist appointment is
- Whether there’s milk for breakfast
- Who’s picking up who and when
- What everyone’s emotional temperature is and how to regulate it
Your brain is tracking 47 things at once, all the time. And then you’re supposed to also be present, creative, patient, and productive?
When your cognitive load is constantly maxed out, your brain can’t process anything deeply. You’re surviving, not thriving. You’re functioning, barely, but you’re not YOU anymore.
Your Sense of Self Is Fading
Burnout doesn’t just exhaust your body. It erodes who you are.
You forget what you used to enjoy. You can’t remember the last time you felt creative, hopeful, or like the person you were before all of this. You’re so busy being Mom and Employee and Partner that you lose track of the human underneath.
This isn’t dramatic. This is burnout.
And it makes complete sense that you’d feel this way when every ounce of energy goes to everyone else and nothing is left for you.
Section 3: Why Rest Isn’t Working (And What Actually Does)
You’ve tried to rest. You’ve scrolled for a break. You’ve taken a day off. You’ve even tried meditation apps.
And you still feel burned out.
Here’s why: not all rest is created equal. And the kind of “rest” our culture offers working moms doesn’t actually restore your nervous system.
Scrolling Isn’t Rest
You hide in the bathroom and scroll Instagram. You’re looking for connection, validation, a minute to yourself.
But scrolling:
- Spikes your anxiety by 20% (Journal of Affective Disorders)
- Fragments your attention with constant new content
- Triggers comparison (“everyone else has it together—why don’t I?”)
- Blocks your brain’s rest mode with blue light and stimulation
- Increases your mental load (now you’re tracking everyone else’s life too)
You think you’re taking a break. Your brain is still working.
Here’s how to actually set phone boundaries that work for your real life →
“Taking a Day Off” Isn’t Enough
You take a personal day. You get a babysitter. You try to rest.
And all you can think about is everything you’re not doing. The emails piling up. The laundry. The errands. The guilt of not being with your kids.
When your nervous system is stuck in survival mode, simply removing yourself from demands isn’t enough. Your brain is still activated, still on high alert, still unable to rest.
You need something that actually signals to your nervous system: it’s safe now. You can recover.
What Your Brain Actually Needs
Research shows that certain activities activate your brain’s rest mode in ways that scrolling or “doing nothing” can’t:
Engaging with art. Looking at art—not on a screen, but physical art—reduces cortisol by up to 32%, and at hyperspeeds compared to how stress hormones naturally decrease throughout the day (Drexel University). Your nervous system responds to beauty, creativity, and something tangible.
Reading poetry or meaningful words. When you read words that validate your experience—that say “this is hard” and “you’re not alone”—your brain gets permission to stop performing. You’re seen. You can exhale.
Physical grounding practices. Closing your eyes. Noticing your breath. Feeling the ground beneath you. These practices signal to your nervous system: we’re safe. We can rest now.
Tech-free presence. Anything that removes screens and brings you into your body, your breath, your immediate environment. No algorithms. No notifications. Just you and something real.
This is what actually restores your brain when you’re burned out.
Section 4: How to Actually Recover From Burnout as a Working Mom
Let’s get practical. What does recovery look like when you’re already maxed out and have zero capacity for one more thing?
Replace, Don’t Add
You don’t need to add recovery practices to your life. You need to replace what’s not working with what does.
Replace scrolling with something tangible:
- Next time you reach for your phone, grab a small book instead
- Keep it in your pocket, your bag, or wherever your phone lives
- Read one poem, one page, one thing that reminds you you’re more than your performance
Replace “rest” that activates your brain with rest that actually works:
- Instead of scrolling before bed → read something that validates you
- Instead of zoning out during lunch → close your eyes and notice three breaths
- Instead of checking your phone during breaks → look at art on your wall
You’re already taking breaks. You’re already reaching for something when you’re overwhelmed. Just reach for something that doesn’t hijack your rest system.
Make Rest Accessible
The reason scrolling wins is because your phone is always with you. Make tech-free options just as accessible.
Put recovery tools where you’ll actually use them:
- Art on your office walls (so breaks restore you instead of drain you)
- A small book in your pocket (so you have something to grab besides your phone)
- A breathing practice written on a sticky note where you’ll see it
Recovery doesn’t happen in a spa or on a vacation. It happens in the 30 seconds you have, right where you are.
Lower the Bar for What Counts
You don’t need 30 minutes of perfect meditation. You don’t need a weekend away. You don’t need to execute recovery perfectly.
Recovery can be:
- 30 seconds of noticing your breath
- Reading one poem before bed
- Looking at art during a work break
- Closing your eyes and feeling the ground beneath you
That’s it. That’s enough. Your nervous system responds to small moments of actual rest more than it responds to big performances of “self-care.”
Get Validation That You’re Not Alone
One of the most healing things for burnout is knowing you’re not the only one struggling.
When you read words from another mom who’s been in the thick of it—who gets the pump sessions between meetings, the guilt, the exhaustion, the impossible math—your brain relaxes. You’re not failing. This IS hard. You’re doing better than you think.
That validation is recovery too.
Section 5: What Recovery Looks Like Long-Term
Burnout didn’t happen overnight. Recovery won’t either.
But here’s what you need to know: you don’t have to stay burned out. Your brain can heal. Your nervous system can restore. You can feel like yourself again.
Recovery Is Non-Linear
Some days you’ll feel better. Some days you’ll feel like you’re back at square one. That’s normal.
Recovery isn’t a straight line up. It’s two steps forward, one step back, three steps sideways, and then—slowly—you realize you’re not drowning anymore.
Be patient with yourself. You’re rewiring patterns that have been running for months or years.
Recovery Requires More Than Individual Effort
Here’s the hard truth: you can do everything “right” and still feel burned out if the systems around you don’t change.
If your workplace has unrealistic expectations. If your partner isn’t carrying an equal load. If you have no support system. If the demands keep exceeding your capacity.
Burnout isn’t just a personal problem. It’s a systemic one.
Individual recovery practices help—they really do. But sometimes recovery also means making bigger changes:
Sometimes you need to change your situation:
- Quit a job that’s destroying you
- Reduce your hours
- Change careers entirely
- Leave a relationship that’s not supporting your wellbeing
- Move closer to family or support
Sometimes you need professional help:
- Work with a therapist who gets working motherhood
- Talk to your doctor about medication
- Join a support group
- Get evaluated for postpartum depression or anxiety
Sometimes you need to ask for what feels impossible:
- Set boundaries at work (and hold them)
- Ask your partner to carry an equal load (and keep asking)
- Hire help if you can afford it
- Ask family or friends for support (even when it’s hard)
Here’s what I want you to hear: being a working mom is worthy of professional help. It’s worthy of big changes. It’s worthy of medication if you need it.
This isn’t dramatic. This isn’t giving up. This isn’t admitting defeat.
This is being kind to yourself. This is recognizing that what you’re doing—raising humans while working—is one of the hardest things a person can do. And it’s okay to need support for hard things.
You’re not weak for needing help. You’re human. And you’re worthy of whatever it takes to feel like yourself again.
(And for what it’s worth, I’m a big fan of therapists, treatment, and medication—#zoloft4life.)
Recovery Means Reconnecting With Yourself
The goal isn’t just to stop feeling burned out. The goal is to feel like YOU again.
The person who had interests, creativity, hopes. The person who existed before you became Mom and Employee and everyone’s everything.
That person is still there. Under all the exhaustion and demands. Under all the roles you’re playing.
Recovery is about giving yourself space to remember who you are—and permission to become who you’re becoming in this season.
Burnout Is Real, and So Is Recovery
You’re not weak. You’re not dramatic. You’re not failing.
Your brain is in survival mode because the demands on you are impossible and the rest never comes.
Burnout happens when your stress response stays stuck “on,” your brain’s rest system gets hijacked by screens, your cognitive load is constantly maxed out, and your sense of self fades under the weight of everything you’re carrying.
This isn’t a personal failing. This is a predictable response to systems that were never designed for you.
But here’s the hope: your brain can heal. Your nervous system can restore. You can feel like yourself again.
Recovery doesn’t require perfection. It doesn’t require more time or energy than you have. It just requires replacing what’s not working (scrolling, performing, pushing through) with what actually does (tech-free rest, validation, grounding practices).
You don’t need to add one more thing to your to-do list. You just need to stop giving your rest time to things that steal it.
Your brain is worth recovering. You are worth recovering.
And you’re doing such a better job than you think.
Start Your Recovery Right Now
Step 1: Find out where you actually stand
Before you do anything else, get clarity on how burned out you really are—or if you’re doing better than you think.
Take the Working Mom’s Hope Score Assessment™—a free, research-backed tool that shows where your wellbeing actually stands (not where it feels like when you’re drowning).
It takes 6 questions and 2 minutes. You’ll get personalized results that help you plant your feet firmly in truth instead of just surviving in the fog.
Take the Free Hope Assessment →
Step 2: Take one small step toward professional help (if you need it)
If you’re reading this and thinking “I might need more than a book”—listen to that voice. You’re right.
TBH, I’m not here to help you get stuff done. It’s part of my whole thing not to add anything to your to-do list.
I absolutely believe you need to have conversations with your partner, boss, doctor, friends about what you’re needing. If they’re healthy relationships, they’ll want to know what’s going on with you and how to support you.
But these conversations take SO MUCH energy. And you’re here because there’s very little energy left.
So if you feel like you need to take action on practical things like laundry or tasks or get up the energy and bravery to have hard conversations with your support people (or find them… looking at you isolation epidemic), I have some great resources…
If you are Low-Hope and feel like you are absolutely drowning, I recommend you turn to KC Davis and her book How to Keep House While Drowning. Davis is a mental health professional who had a baby at the beginning of COVID with a toddler running around. She’s written a great book with the mentally divergent in mind.
If you are High-Hope and feel like you need shifts in your pathways, I recommend Kendra Adachi’s Lazy Genius principals. I only recommend going this way if you feel comfortable saying, “No thank you,” to what wouldn’t work for you and not overwhelmed by it.
Circling back: if you don’t know if you’re Low-Hope or High-Hope or somewhere in between, I have a two minute quiz that will offer you with a tailored personal assessment: The Working Mom’s Hope Score Assessment. It’s free and takes two minutes. Get it here →
(The links to both How to Keep House While Drowning and The Lazy Genius Way are both affiliate links, but I believe in the power and messages both of those women bring to the table. If you choose to follow the links, I may earn a small commission. Thanks for supporting the biz!)
Step 3: Get your burnout recovery tool
Ready to replace the scroll with something that actually restores your brain?
Grab Poems of a Burned Out Toddler Mom—small enough to keep in your pocket, designed to replace the doomscroll with real recovery and lower stress hormones.
These are the poems I took to therapy during my burnout season. They’re written from the thick of it, reaching through to say: this is hard, you’re not alone, and you’re doing a good job.
No performing, no algorithms, and no literature degrees required.
Step 4: Put recovery on your walls
If you need your space to actively restore you—not just look nice—check out The Burned Out Toddler Mom Art Collection.
Professional-grade prints designed for offices, boardrooms, and pump rooms. Science-backed to lower stress hormones by up to 32% just by looking at them. Ready to hang and impossible to mess up.
Your breaks can restore you instead of drain you. Your walls can work as hard as you do.
You’re not broken, friend. Your brain is doing exactly what it’s designed to do when the demands are impossible.
But you don’t have to stay here. Recovery is possible. Your nervous system can heal. You can feel like yourself again.
You’re doing such a good job. People are in awe of what you’re accomplishing.
The world’s a better place because you’re in it.
And I’m so glad that you’re you.
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